Friday, May 22, 2009

Tell me what’s bugging you? And I’ll tell you what’s bugging me; I’ll tell you everything that is existential to the point that I may regret telling you. You should have second thoughts about living after I tell u, and if you didn’t, I would question your sanity. I cry when I think of what will happen to me once I become one of the cyclical cynical life styles that I once found to be ideal. Nothingness, is my ultimate fear, losing one’s ‘self is the ultimate goal, to have forever, while gaining nothing is the fear that fears fear. Pitiful beings fail to comprehend, what I circumvent. I am the truth; I am what you want to be. Ignorance is not bliss young one, at least not in the sense I am speaking in regard with. Shapley shaping your future in ignorance, afraid of the truth becomes ignorance’s ignorant. Venting, constantly into the vent that never listened and then failed to vent. Instead of learning, she ignored me, accepting her way as the truth. As I said, I am the ultimate truth. We all think that from time to time right? That we are right even though we may be wrong; that we guilty, but not like them. That we live in never never land and fly with Peter.
I just don’t know anymore, staying true myself, hasn’t worked thus far. 22 years, 22 years of fulfilling myself, is similar to washing semen from the bottom of my shoe. Forever waiting on the corner for the bus to take to me to eternity gets lonely, and I become impatient. Strange people slowly enter my world, begging me to let them in the front door, I smile, and politely ask them to go around back and wash themselves off before they enter my already dirty home. They then smile, and tell me that they love me, they tell me they will do anything to keep me happy, they buy me things and did tell me that nothing will ever bother me. They scare me, I don’t trust them. I don’t trust anyone, not even myself. I keep them on fence waiting for an invite, like Mr. Feeny . Loving the world isn’t for everyone, especially me. Especially since I don’t love everything about the world. It all goes onward and outward….and nothing collapses. Nothing gives in, because if it did, then nothing would ever exist.
Have you ever noticed that people can melt in the sun, just like plastic?
Have you ever ran into something that makes your stomach peel like flowers on the bottom of the pie crust?
Have you ever thought maybe she wasn’t that in to you, so that would mean she must be out of you…right?
When I look in the mirror, my own reflection kind of laughs, so I kind of laugh back. He says to me, I am the truth of all things good gone bad. He told me not give up on life, and that my soul will eventually come to rest and everything will become relevant. I will then will then see the truth, and realize that I know absolutely nothing. I then said, all I need is the feeling that life will never come to an end, I then smiled to myself realizing that will never ever be.
The realization is also infectious spinning my reality to the point that I may want to return it, in exchange for something more valuable… like a bicycle.
The soul will never want me.
The same situation seems to occur every time I spit into the leaves. I probably shouldn’t spit anymore.
The question that I ask unto you: what will become of me once you read my soul, what happens inside the trees that also drip with crazy stench of my blood?

Looking, looking , looking. Slowly and calmly, looking for the dividends or the soul. Looking, looking, looking, looking. Never-ending, looking, looking, seeking, looking for the missing parts to the machine that I once called my life. Looking seeking, looking, seeking for everything that I am accustomed to looking, but I call it something else, I call it glancing, but it is actually looking. Glancing is the antonym for everything that is real, or what we believe to be real. I understand looking is still an option as well, but looking, looking, looking is fearful
Hopefully hoping for a better tomorrow. Hopefully it comes soon, today looks gloomy. Gloomy for things I never that remain forever in my past. Pictures flying submitting their will, and to my surprise, they end up flying straight into their demise. Hopefully hoping, doesn’t promise anything. In fact, it creates false gestures, which may seem like hope, but is actually gloomy figurines, that march forward to their demise without ever even knowing it. Loving the abstract drunkenness of the Holy Scriptures leaves me in a bewildered state of mind, a state of unconscious thought that also leaves me hungry for the thirst of learning. Learners always learn when to call it quits, and when to fold. The learned (or the people who think they are learned) pretend that they learned everything that they need to know, but in fact they know nothing. Nothing knows nobody, and nobody knows everything, so why pretend? Why try? Who knows what may happen when we loose ourselves inside this world made for us, and no one else. We all know the how sentiments end, we end up going crazy and forgetting all that we have learned. We adopt new cultures and habits. We accept new likes and dislikes which can be changed easily as we change clothes. We find new friends, who eventually lead us to paths we’d never cross unless we were infectious fools, who actually believe that our lives can be beautiful, and can be lived beautifully with them/

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