Break Out the Elegy

Stuart Matthew Allard
August 18th, 1984 – present
writer, comedian, radio personality
beloved son and brother
founder of the Dr. and Mrs. Stuart M. Allard Memorial Scholarship Fund
even though he wasn’t married and only had a bachelor’s degree;
a Kansas City Royals fan
in a sea of Pale Hose and Cubbie blue
the zigger in an army of zaggers
either the funniest person you ever met, or the most demented
a 5’9”, 165 pound force
trivia buff extraordinaire
capable of correctly guessing a person’s gender on no more than two tries

Cause of death unknown
but there’s plenty of assumptions
my best guess was all that coughing eventually did him in
others will argue that his short-attention span proved fatal
though it’s really hard to explain

Stu led a good life
accomplished a lot in a small window of time
never cared much for saccharine, lovey-dovey stuff
he wanted meat, not marshmallows
a very straightforward way of living