Alissa and Andy Epistolate

1
Alissa,

You are a carbuncle on the pedestal of the gods, your hairtangles the roots of Medusa's oblongota grippingly and trips the wires of heart valves in bus stop motherheads eternal. You caused the nuclear war that destroyed Venus, and then you unleashed devastation on Earth. And you smell like grandma's ricottacheese at a Mets game.

Love,
Andy

2

Andy,

You are a jack o lantern on Christmas night - a nice thought,but out of place. You are a lice nit invading the hair shaft of a five year old that picks his nose and plays tag with a bayonet all the while itching his precious infested locks. Plus, you're a Mets fan.
And you probably voted for Bush.
Love,
Alissa

3

Amissa Venereal,

ow, that hurt. How did you know that I picked my nose, have liceand voted for Bush? You've been spying on me!!!!!! While I am naked and urinating all over your bed?... And I bet you've been eating Raw Garlic and unsweetened Baking Chocolate while doing it. Not only that, but you also have a birthmark the size of Russia on your left eyelid. Did you know I could turn you in for being a spy? On top of that, you like Oasis,and you mistake Patti Smith for Patti Hearst. You caused the Big Bang toreverse upon itself.

Love,
Andy

4

Oh yeah? You munch on Pomeranian puppies and newborn bunnies for breakfast and wash it down with ladybugs you mix in the blender. Your brain is just a pimple and it popped whiteyellow puss all inside that cranium. The millisecond you eye your surroundings with no one, you bring your foot to your chapped lips and savor toenails for dessert. And I didn't want to be the one to say it, but you smell like the Easter egg on top of the ceiling fan my sister didn't find till Independence Day. And your socks don't match.

kindly,
alissa

5

Agreed, after making love to your sister, your would-have, could-havebeen nephew was left on the ceiling fan. That being said, making love tohens has never been my forte. As for you, you drove me to drink... after30 years of sobriety. THen you drove me to another 12 step meeting tocomplain about you. When I say the Lord's Prayer, I say, "and forgive us ourAlissas, as we forgive those who Alissa against us..." I saw youspreadin' the red at homecoming. I know you've been fantasizing about ReggieRedbird... Come on now... what is this poultry fetish you have?

with feathers,

Andy

6

Maybe if you didn't brush your teeth with tree branches, or dance like dolly parton with her boobs caught fire, or smile like a drunken monster strung out from scaring children, I wouldn't have sinned you to the bottle.Wow, thirty years, huh? That makes you 50, right? You've been driving women to insanity with your fastidious ways long before I was in driver's ed. And by the way, the alleged relationship you mentioned regarding Reggie and tis true, at least he knows the simple difference between a hen and a cock: clearly where you are lacking.

fondly,
alissa

7

AV,

What does my gender have anything to do with it? I believe you are sexist... just because I don't have a cock, a big reggie redbird rooster roasting on a spit, basted in honey and fennel, ready to wash down with mounds of oats and goblets of ale, doesn't mean I have no feelings? What does this say about your humanity? I think you have lost it. You are hitler. You are eva braun hitler... you are eva braun hitler presley. You are Elvis. My how you've decomposed!

8

Your bank thinks you're a prostitute from that boyish charm and dollar bill deposits. I think you are a communist; you are fidel on his deathbed with a liver rotting, don't you dare go to Miami. Your beard is wilting into a million fallen coarse hairs on the floor that you make your slaves sweep up. You are a poodle, a skank, an egghead, a masshole and you're such a dumb blonde. Just because you're a sissy and a shoobie doesn't mean I'm a sexist who loves your banana hat. And as the Lakota chief said last night in the dim firestand, and I quote, "Andy Hall is quite the near woman" and proceeded to describe your face as similar to squirrel poop.

love,
alissa

9

AV,

You have messed up this assignment. GG will be furious with you. He might even choose to become a fundamentalist Christian thanks to you, but not only that... ISU will have to close down. And you will be used as an example for adolescents contemplating suicide. They will see what you've done and realize they don't have it so bad and opt to live. I guess you can do something right by accident and you are a fjnord. Wait. I forgot you're "special" we were told to give you room and training pants. You were breastfed till age 12 by your father... your mother looked at you and died. Your father went to hell to retrieve her and she wouldn't come. She was making out with Mephistopheles. Alissa Veenstra, forgive me for being so insensitive to someone as misfortunate as you. You couldn't help it. Even Barbie looked at you and said "that girl needs to gain some weight." BTW, I know you "love" me.

Andy

10

Little andy,

Barbie happens to be a friend of mine, her middle name is Millicent and she told me last year your valentine was the cockroach that lives below your floorboard and sings you to dream at night. Your lungs are like the third floor of Stevenson. Bozo called, he wants his wig back for the final grand march. GG told me the Poetry for Dummies book was written for you. And I heard from your father that you wash your body with coffee and mud from the Amazon and rinse it off with dragon spit. I saw you yesterday in the quad, you were jumping in a pile of leaves and wildly yelling “Oh Persephone, come to planet Earth to claim me!” So forgive me for not saying hello Andy, but the voices in your head told me not to. That reminds me, I bumped into your doctor the other day and he told me about your personality disorder. I just want to say, it was a pleasure collaborating with each and every one of you.

“love” always,
alissa