Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Hey guys!!!

I changed my poem around. The one y'all critiqued last week. Please let me know what you think because I want this to be good for the reading next week!!! Thanks


Mistakes of the past
the lies whispered

all over her body
the regrets of forgiving, taking him back.

Crimson stained into his shirt color
with late night pages and the scent of juicy couture

the love they shared was
as fake as that tramp he was assimilating with

shoving her belongings into a large suitcase
carelessly, effortlessly

the inscribed necklace for their one year anniversary
(tossed into the bag)
his favorite night gown
when she wore his hands were glued to her body

(crumpled up inside next to)
a picture frame of the family they were starting
two heads, two hearts, two bodies

only one was ready.

she left.

snow tossed from sky to ground

found her feet dragging to the place she least wanted to be
standing, staring

her life in bags weighing her down
eyes red and swollen from the drippings of her heart.

The empty foundation of their soon to be

incomplete empty bleak.

like her heart, it too was missing something

Stepping, gliding, over pieces of their unfinished life
she sits on the snow covered foundation
of the existence she’ll never go back to
and cries
for everything it meant


Alissa said...

Danielle, you did some great revisions! one of my last suggestions would be to find another word for "foundation" at the end, because it's used twice fairly close together.

Jamie said...

Danielle, this is some good stuff! I like what you've done!

Christina said...

dude!!!!! rock it out girl...this is much improved. knew you could do it.

Crimson lips stained into his shirt color
(reason: just "crimson" kind of infers blood)

"the love they shared was
as real as that tramp's intentions"
(reason: assimilating is blah)

dig what you did with the packing part. when you read this aloud, really slow down on the "inscribed necklace..." and "his favorite nightgown..." you could do a lot with the rhythm of that.
anyway good work...i'm really impressed danielle.