Friday, June 5, 2009

LaToya Lewis

Word Count = 632
Can’t really focus on my life because life is entering the world. So young so precious and entering this world. 25% of me in this world. Closest thing related to my own except without all the excruciating pain. So anxious to see his face. How will he look? Dreaming about it all night. Will he be caramel or light? Cute button nose, 10 fingers and toes. So anxious to see his face. So anxious to see his personality. Irritable or just always happy. My first and only so special and dear to my heart. Scared to see him and become that instant role model. Afraid that I will not be known because I’m not around. Scared that I cannot amount to the person that he can count on because I’m still counting on people.
Is it possible to love someone so much and you don’t know them at all? To love the idea of them everything they could be. To love the smile you never saw and the way you think they act. To love everything that you imagine and even if that’s not who they are to love them anyway. Love, Love and more Love. Just anything and everything about them unconditionally. Love is so in the air. So is disappointment and you. I’ll start crazy thoughts going through my head of what I could do to you. I’ll burn the two of you while holding hands so you can watch each other burn.
I s it possible to love someone so much and you don’t know them at all? Having a terribly good day. Want to smile cry just about every second. Feeling depressingly happy and sad like I’m all out of options. With every joy in life there seems to always be something Fucked up. So fuckin sad and depressed. Did I do something wrong? I’m so lost and confused about what I should do to fix it. Can I even fix this shit? Seriously, is your life this hard? One minute everything is good the next I’m back where I started. So scared, just not scared that things will never work out for me. So scared that my whole life will be hoping and praying for a better life and better me. I’m sick of whining and talking about the same shit. I’m sick of sucking at life. Really. Things will be okay because I’m going to make sure. Never more than I can handle. I know that. I definitely have to have a Plan B. I’m not talking about the contraceptive. I mean a real plan, strategy. The storm is here and needs to pass. But I’m not so sure it will ever. The more I think about it the less I’m willing…do men just smell when a woman is happy? Do they decide to come back in your life just when you get over their ass? I feel like setting you two on fire holding hands so you can watch each other burn. Crazy but romantic not. Just crazy!!
Sad. But why? So many questions but I’m not sure of the answers. I guess I’m just sad about a lot of stuff these days. But I’m actually over it. I wish it all works out and that I don’t have to wish again. I wish that one day I fall in love. I wish that one day I fall in love…yeah right!!! Lyrica may cause suicidal thoughts. When is that ever appropriate? Life is always hard. Always struggling to survive. Never take matters in my own hands. Hey Dee, Draw us!...What am I going to do? The best day of my life was the simplest. The best day of my life was when I did nothing important and didn’t have to think. Nothing is the best.

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