Wednesday, June 10, 2009

LaToya Lewis- Final Blog

Word Count =5028
We need a prologue. What should I put in my prologue? In a prologue what information goes in a prologue. What the fuck is a prologue? A prologue a motherfucking prologue. A prologue is stupid. What do I talk about in my poems. Well I talk about the art of talking about what I’m talking about and every aspect of my life. What am I suppose to do to fix this? “I gotta extra foot for bitches like you!” My crazy life and what happens on a day to day basis. So many questions existing about how to get by. Not really sure if there is an answer but I still question it I just keep questioning. Just have to keep questioning , just questioning my existence. Most of the time I’m super confused. I see dots and spots that make up pieces of me but never the whole thing. Pink and purple are the color of spots. I love pink. Questioning my questions gives me hope. Hope is so cute she’s pink with a little bow. Maybe it’s a ribbon. So confused! All the time, that is nothing new. I never understand what’s going on? Or the connection between the two I’m sure I’m not the only one. So many things have happened to me. My life has changed so much these past couple of months. My life has changed so much I feel like I’m finally growing up. Those rants are just are my ideas about me having to finally grow up. Life changes fast, college is over faster. This is supposedly the time when your suppose to be fulfilling your purpose in life. Too bad I’m not sure if that is even possible. Eyes really tell it all. Boredom, anger, confusion and day-dreaming. Random! Thoughts in my mind. Starting to become blank. I sure sometimes I’ve lost my form of thought and was probably rambling and going along. But that’s life. Which is what my poems are specifically about my life, and your life… Just life in general.
Some of the things that we discussed in class was a cento which was lines from other poems. “Leap and the net will appear.” Poetry isn’t “Routined Speech.” A rabbit had killed a man in a wood one day. A man had built a machine. But his nostril blew air at his fingers. He put suicide into his left ear pretends it is wax. He said, because it’s held captive, because it is the captured. A man ambushed a stone. One who is now in proximity to a door decides that he shall open a door and step into the place that the door is entrance to. The decision was made. And then he looked for himself and even he was gone. The ceiling was quite displeased and so it grew pleased again. There was once a memory of a person that would not go even though a person had said I do not like memories and died, for there was a habit that needed badly to be repeated. A man is a rock in a garden of chairs and waits for a longtime to be over. One day he noticed this as he was trying to think of mother. Why to be alone, and you invite the stars to tea. A cloud was once in the sky as he remembers and he looked up at it, or was it a cow barking. Dream man said he will do dreams. There was a tree where a bird was, of the window, and kept a person company or parallel. Without tree where a bird was as now a mother to occupy the window, and the ceiling purring in this while, and mother through the window at me looking as I can see a cobweb gently nodding, and I take its mild approach and keep my face so that it can appreciate that my eyes are for it only. Sometimes I just breathe. Did you ever do that. Perhaps I should kiss the face of the kitchen clock for luck. I am sure happiness is not too far away.
So many influences that helped me come up with my thoughts for this poem. We read Dickinson, Whitman who I hate…and others. I like Jennifer Knox her book was cool. Or should I say it was hot, hot, hot like hot book ass book ass book. Chicken Bucket or mother…Ol Dirty Bastard and his part in the book was quite interesting. The best thanksgiving ever, and Cruising for prostitutes. How disgusting. Naked people dancing around and having fun nothing to do with thanksgiving at all. Oh my gosh I’m so sick of writing shit. This prologue is so annoying because I have nothing to talk about it’s pretty much self explanatory in the poem. I don’t know what to do my life I mean life is so unpredictable. Just when I think I have everything under control so body comes and shake things up. I’m homeless and broke ass hell. Can somebody help me with that shit, fuck writing a prologue that’s what I’m concerned with. I’ve been complaining and complaining on and on about how my life sucks and this and that. And shit I’ve come to realize that the shit does suck. I just think you have to just try to make your shitty life work for you in whatever non-shitty way you can. Maybe that’s what it means to make life work for you. I guess I’ve realized over the course of taking this class first that I’m a complainer and second I’ve grown as a person expressing all this stuff in my blogs. Expressing my truths through writing helps me to vent and come to the realization of who I truly am and the strength in me. Basically, I’ve realized that I’m fucking awesome. I am so unbelievably fucking awesome. Regardless of what’s going on in my life I have some great things happening in my life also. I mean stuff is gonna happen and people are going to get on my nerves and bothering you but hey that’s life. I’m missing so much shit just sitting around reflecting on all the bad. Some stuff in my life is soo good so good. His name is Isaiah and he is the blessing that keep me going every day. I wake up hoping to see his face. I wish I knew what you were doing now or what you did yesterday. I can’t wait to see his little bitty eyes , toes and face. Isaiah is my blessing!
I want to disappear sometimes, all the time because life sucks. Poof is gone and just disappear. Sitting here and hearing the lyrics in my head, and I disappear. Not entirely off the face of the earth just disappear and eventually reappear. Sometimes, I wonder why life can’t be simple and things wouldn’t be so messed up. Sometimes, I wonder why life can’t be simple and things wouldn’t be so messed up. Then maybe I wouldn’t mind being around and sitting around. But the lyrics keep coming back in my head, I disappear…I just disappear. Why do those words stand out? Disappearing…Being invisible in the visible world that wouldn’t be fun but yet sometimes I crave not to be seen or heard. Sometimes I disappear in my mind and just stop, I stop. My mind goes blank and I try not to think about my life or family. Concerned so concerned that my life won’t add up that I won’t make the cut. This makes me want to disappear. Life is passing me by graduation around the corner...need to become successful so I can be scared that I will fail one day. I don’t know what to do. So tired of trying and so tired of trying to give up. I need to focus and give it my all.
Every time I come here I get so angry so angry. Selling these stupid unimportant expensive products for minimum wage. Tell me life is fair. Ink for 40 dollars that my whole fucking check. Every day here is so pointless. I have to act like I give a damn about people I don’t know. Hi, how are you doing today sir. I really don’t give a fuck. Working in a place just to pay the bills is like living in hell on earth. Sometimes you can find entertaining moments but not often. Money rules the world. So you have to do what you have to do. Or do you?
People are so stupid. Asking questions and not really wanting the answers. Talking just to hear the sound of their own voice. How annoying. Some are so rude and just ignore you while you talk. Others are condescending and treat you like your less than. Idiots!
Looking outside you see the beauty in the world. The sun shining against the trees, the wind blowing around the leaves. Life moving and hustling along. It reminds me of a song. Children playing and running. The sky is so big and blue and endless. How can you see all this beauty and choose not to believe. It so amazing you have no choice but to believe that there is someone who created this amazing place. How can you not believe? How can you not believe? Amazing. Life, people. Is this what it’s all about? Really?
Love...I love the word love…I want to fall in love with love…I love the boys in the world…they make me fall in love…Boys, Boys, Boys I do adore. I love Boys, Boys, Boys, Boys….Not all their cracked up to be but I love them none less when they are really into me...I mean ME not just the physical. I love the boys that are after the intellectual part of me and not interested in S.E.X only…SEX so complicated but worth the complication and AMAZING! But the physical pleasure doesn’t really speak to me. I want the men who can talk and use their nouns and verbs. Not a guy that can only speak with his hands.
I love being me! I’m inspired by Whitman to embrace me. I’m so lucky and blessed to be me. I’m a beautiful person with a terrific soul. I have a loving family and friends who are always around. Life is just beginning and ultimately what you make it. My life is just beginning.
One chapter closes another begins. College years gone. So fast. Figuring the right path. Setting any example. Siblings and Nephew positive experience. Mi sobrino.My love. Mi quiero mucho. Growing up is hard.Think about life.Young andDumb.Simple when younger.Life is a fairytale.So stupid to think. I am a princess.Love Pink. Victoria Secret. Pink Clothes. Wiser when older.Grow dumber with age.Life is not perfect. Impossible equals fairytale. Crying to sleep. Beauty in eyes.Dream Deferred. Message. Hold on to Dreams. Addais shirt. Power: Impossible is nothing.Truth better.Weird.Pessimistic on shirt. Right. Wrong. Simplicity please. Content and confused. Life. So. 40 year old. Murder. Virgin Suicide.Weird Movie.Wisdom with age.Repeat again. False.Old and dumb. Life.Dumbness. Annoyed. Go. Ready. Please. Now.HOME? No answer. Stupid.Life.Money.No. 60 year old profound. Whatever. Ready. Relax. Same words. Same words. Same 15 words. Stuff.Sucks. Nothing.Rather. People. Retail. Fucking. So. Stress.Kill. Idiot. Neccesary. Manager. Like. Asswhole. Words. Enough. Meaning.Working.Television. Soda or Pop. Employers.Wish. Make.Delete. tab. Shift.Baby.Space. Complain. Just. Melody. String. Shit. Do not. Everything.Rest.Seriously. Born. Pay.Terrible.Fuck. 90s.Technology.Space.Yet .Could. Problems.Reason. Often. The.Much. Sense. Gone.Paper.Dr.Pepper.Love. Command.Alcohol. Dancing.Purse.Clock. Napkin. Nephew.Isaiah.Impossible is nothing.Reappear.Now.Memories.Meaning.Planning. Connecting. Bff. Thoughts.Great.Attitude.Personality.Faith.Home.Relax.No Home.No me gusta.So.So.Stupid. Beautiful. Sexy. Day.This. Grateful.Children .Charish.What is important?Movies.Family.God.Love.Success.Hope.You.Bills. Course.Awesome.Overcome. To. Even. Ways.Grow.Mess.Life.Children.Cherish.Set.Want.Would.Sounds.All.School.Getting.Decent grades.End. Disapper. Impossible is Nothing. Opposite.Suppose.Wrong. Ends.Working.Jackass.Many.Lifetime.Crime.Moment. Tired.I’m tired. Fighting.Why?Already. Test. Right. Will.Learn.Ahead.Study.Know.Hard.Make difficult. What. Feel. Bad.Truth.Silver work.Return. Need. Started.Yet.Smart choices. Road not taken.Difference.Took.Think.Road.Not.Worse.Really. Continue. Nothing compares to.Someone you like.Pure and beautiful. Love.First time together.Bowling. Wanting to kiss. First.Weird.Awkard.Overcoming Obstacles.Love.So cute.So Fun. Heartbreaking.Disappointed.Staring from afar.Say Something.Counter Daemons.Demon encounter.Love living.Living Love.Popping up.Propose.You like.Fresh and Clean. So. Still really lost. Confused.Choices.Did I make.What.Destination possible.Wrong or Right.Cierto o Falso. Espanol es muy excelente. Mellamo.Random.Day.Date. Boys.Door opens.Wide.Smile.Sexy glance.Wink. Bowl. Smelling good. Important.Laughing out Loud.Computer language.Words.Nouns and Verbs. Usage.Ever. Sorry.Come over. Not. Grad. Idiot. Awkard.Loser. Lover in the night. Door close. Ending Circle.Family. Home. No. Help me. Continue.Lost. Really.Lost.i talk.i sing.i dance.Highschool.Plans with. Anniversary. College.Isaiah.Cute guy.Welcome to.
Power: Impossible is nothing.Shirt reads for the second time. Maybe a sign.Why? second visit. Weird. Life works but have to be positive.No one likes a quitter but sometimes don’t work. Got to do what is best for you. Life is a trip. What is going to happen next. Faternity or Sorority who cares. Its all about the money.Paying for friends. Not really but it’s funny. Do I like him? Too soon to tell. Nice person.Gentlemen are so hard to find. Nobody cares about cars. Opening doors is extinct. So nice to have diversity. Didn’t expect a lot of change. Such a interesting outlook. Intellect is key. Talking about life is interesting. Can’t wait to see the next phase. Hopes aren’t high. Figuring out a person only takes a second. If a person shows you who they are believe them. I can tell that your heart and your pride is as small as a pupil. Counter Daemons. Why? Blast from the past. Looking to the future.Move on Idiots. Not interested.What are you thinking? Not serious. Can’t have an education. So stupid and over the bullshit. If a person shows you who they are believe them. I can tell that your heart and your pride is as small as a pupil.Understand. So important. Hunger is sad. Weird and so rude. Why? Angry because I’m not interested. Mad because I can be. Leave it alone. What the heck? Why my life. So many encounters. Evil all around. Trying to steal your happiness. Finally feel content.Funny but not really. Defense mechanism of course. Stupid idiots. Deprived of protein.King of the Hill rocks. Meat is so freaking good. Tried to figure out what is important.Seems like the answer will never be clear. So many important things in life. So many different answers. Gratification begins when the hunger ends.Who knows what that means. Thinking weird thoughts doesn’t make me weird. Paper.Movies.Love.Family. Digusting is my favorite word. So tired of school and work.Life sucks.
Love is a connection. Its pas the physical and goes beyond what one can phantom. It’s kind, sweet, giving, compromising and just. Love is amazing. You feel it in your heart and soul. When you have love you never want to let it go. Love isn’t demanding, jealous or aggressive. Lust is sexual and emotional and only happens after the physical. Someone once told me don’t get love confused with lust because it’s a thin line. I thought it was a thin line between love and hate not love and lust. Love is forever. Lust is temporary. It can be confusing because people use it so easily. The first time I heard those three words is from my family then my so called true love. “So called” definitely know now that was just fascination. Love a word that comes and goes. People say it often but do they really know what it means to really love somebody. Part of a song. Love is tossed around so much. Is there really a meaning or is it just something you feel? Or is that just lust. Sometimes it feels as if it’s love, but how can one be really sure. Is there a guide book that explains it all? Love conquers all. Really? I don’t think so.
Pokadots are they really just spots. Kind of if you think about it. I see pokadots all around different colors but the same shape. The wind howling in the background blowing things around. Feet up high above the ground. So confused as to the point of things. Love, Life, Live. It’s annoying to keep talking about it but this defines life to me. It is forever in my thoughts. When will it all make sense? Maybe when I get myself together. So ready to move on and work on me. Wind howling, things changing. Call me crazy but I sometimes think I’m an inconvenience. Crave attention. I don’t want to be. I just want to stand on my own two feet. I know everyone needs help at some point but I’m always the victim. My life is always so bad. It’s just getting sad now. Time to stop complaining about what I want to get accomplished and make shit happen. Need to get my shit together, seriously. It’s not everyone else issue with me; it’s just me who has an issue with me. Why do I think I’m such an inconvenience? I’m worthy of people helping me. So sad and angry at myself about not doing anything. I need to get it all together. It’s time to grow the fuck up. So dramatic, always making situations more than what they are. Idiot. The winds stop howling and my life is on a steady track. Creating words suck. I feel like l got it all out the first time. Structure. I need that something to talk about. Something to love that’s what I crave. I need attention I am the middle child. I need that to survive. Someone who can focus on me at all times. Please. True. Yeah right so hard to find. People lie so much it’s a waste of time. “May the buyer beware.” May my lover beware I come with some baggage. From the previous guy who previously wasn’t shit. Learned a lesson from it all. In life you have bad situation that you can cry about or live with. Don’t we all though. My hair is so messed up. Need to figure out what to do. Birthdays are important. Will this memorable? Thinking about my future can’t wait to become who I’m supposed to be. Almost doesn’t count. So true but have to get a few things together. Have to get a few situations together so I can get my life together. Will I ever get my life together? Scared to find out the answer.
There is another sky(2)
I view the landscape o’ er (3)
In the peaceful west (4)
I have a Bird in spring(5)
Behind my native town(6)
How far the Village lies-(7)
Time’s sublimest target(8)
The tempests touched our garments-(9)
A clearing at the end-(10)
I never told the buried gold(11)
Morning has not occurred!(13)
One came the road that I came-(14)
He stops at every door-(15)
I was never in!(17)
Is where the angels are-(18)
To a hand below (20)
Leaving nooks for Daisy(22)
I sat down to sigh(23)
It was not for me-(28)
If these I loved were lost(29)
Then I remember not(33)
I gasped-I bore away-(41)
Steady-my soul: What issues(42)
Some touch it, and some kiss it-(45)
I bring my Rose(46)
Heart! We will forget him!(47)
I never lost as much but twice,(49)
I will not name it in the street(50)
Far-as the East from Even-(53)
If I should die,(54)
“I will not let thee go (59)
If pain for peace prepares (63)
Hidden away, cunningly,(66)
Burst agonized and clear!(67)
Affection doesn’t know(68)
An anguish at the mention (71)
Yet she cannot speak.(72)
She died at a play,(75)
As by the dead we love to sit,(88)
How still the Riddle lies!(89)
My friend must be a Bird-(92)
But I shall never tell!(91)
Angels, in the early morning (94)
To such, if they should whisper (95)
All in this summer(173)
What is-“Paradise”-(215)
It can’t be “Dying”!(221)
Enable thee to guess(225)
In sight of me-(226)
Look further on!(229)
You are very far-(240)
Because I know it’s true-(241)
Except it have the flaw-(242)
That dazzled, Yesterday(243)
I breathed enough to take the Trick-(272)
That dies away in Dimple(274)
Saying itself in a new inflection-(276)
See where it hurt me-That’s enough-(277)
A shady friend-for Torrid days-(278)
But never I mind the steepest-(279)
Goodbye to the Life I used to live-(279)
I felt a Funeral, in my Brain,(280)
Keep beating-beating-till I thought(280)
Looking at Death, is Dying-(281)
Members of the Invisible,(282)
Its frequent Visitor-(283)
That after Horror-that ’twas us-(286)
While cool-concernless No-(287)
To an admiring Bog!(288)
The other peep-(289)
I got so I could walk across(293)
The Man-to die-tomorrow-(294)
Let me not shame their sublime deportments-(295)
The Soul selects her own Society-(303)
Then-close the Valves of her attention-(303)
The rest of Life to see!(173)
If stillness is Volcanic(175)
Is true,dear Sue?(218)
How still the riddle lies! (89)
So bashful when I spied her!(91)
To follow her superior Road-(629)
Continual- with the News-(630)
Conquer Mortality-(817)
The Thoughfulness of Thirst(818)
A Death blow is a Life blow to Some(816)
To look at Thee a single time(815)
The Consciousness of Thee(815)
I recollect it-How still-(902)
Twas stiller-though the first(902)
Troubles to win
The strength to change
From going there
I saved and saved
I let them know
Not feeling well, my wood uncut.
Stiff as if a stork
And I am old
It looked me dead in the face
Lonely woman, not prompted
It’s going to rain and if we’re wise
Sleep and it won’t matter
And as I left a sucker jumped me
Terrible things coming up
I guess it’s because there ’r too many
Could you be right?
Who died
And missed
My head always down
I suppose there is nothing
I thought-
Why can’t I be happy
In this dark
I’m a fool
Not snapped by the storm
Holed damped
I heard suddenly
My life
All things move toward
River rising-flood
Naturally wet
Of the river
Who knew how to clean up
With wonder
Beyond my life
Much less understand it
Through the deep…
Of words
Even for death
Removed a tear
A long dream to unroll
In sleep I drew a sausage-
Yet he could say: no one
Let us pray
Beginning to fit
In grey weather
Of black
No matter where you are
Look, the woods, the sky, our home
I know the owner of the store
No better reading
From my bed I see
His own food and place
And the rainbow
Here we last,
Trees need care
Watch! In some flowers
Look close
Or you don’t
I lost a view…I saw
Understand me dead is nothing
Sleep and it won’t matter
It would be good
What horror to awake at night
The means to go on
Wash and say good night
Let me hear good night
Flash to black
Keep cool
What for?
Find summer
With me
Do you see?-
You are alone
My friend tree

Can’t really focus on my life because life is entering the world. So young so precious and entering this world. 25% of me in this world. Closest thing related to my own except without all the excruciating pain. So anxious to see his face. How will he look? Dreaming about it all night. Will he be caramel or light? Cute button nose, 10 fingers and toes. So anxious to see his face. So anxious to see his personality. Irritable or just always happy. My first and only so special and dear to my heart. Scared to see him and become that instant role model. Afraid that I will not be known because I’m not around. Scared that I cannot amount to the person that he can count on because I’m still counting on people.
Is it possible to love someone so much and you don’t know them at all? To love the idea of them everything they could be. To love the smile you never saw and the way you think they act. To love everything that you imagine and even if that’s not who they are to love them anyway. Love, Love and more Love. Just anything and everything about them unconditionally. Love is so in the air. So is disappointment and you. I’ll start crazy thoughts going through my head of what I could do to you. I’ll burn the two of you while holding hands so you can watch each other burn.
I s it possible to love someone so much and you don’t know them at all? Having a terribly good day. Want to smile cry just about every second. Feeling depressingly happy and sad like I’m all out of options. With every joy in life there seems to always be something Fucked up. So fuckin sad and depressed. Did I do something wrong? I’m so lost and confused about what I should do to fix it. Can I even fix this shit? Seriously, is your life this hard? One minute everything is good the next I’m back where I started. So scared, just not scared that things will never work out for me. So scared that my whole life will be hoping and praying for a better life and better me. I’m sick of whining and talking about the same shit. I’m sick of sucking at life. Really. Things will be okay because I’m going to make sure. Never more than I can handle. I know that. I definitely have to have a Plan B. I’m not talking about the contraceptive. I mean a real plan, strategy. The storm is here and needs to pass. But I’m not so sure it will ever. The more I think about it the less I’m willing…do men just smell when a woman is happy? Do they decide to come back in your life just when you get over their ass? I feel like setting you two on fire holding hands so you can watch each other burn. Crazy but romantic not. Just crazy!!
Sad. But why? So many questions but I’m not sure of the answers. I guess I’m just sad about a lot of stuff these days. But I’m actually over it. I wish it all works out and that I don’t have to wish again. I wish that one day I fall in love. I wish that one day I fall in love…yeah right!!! Lyrica, may cause suicidal thoughts. When is that ever appropriate? Life is always hard. Always struggling to survive. Never take matters in my own hands. Hey Dee, Draw us!...What am I going to do? The best day of my life was the simplest. The best day of my life was when I did nothing important and didn’t have to think. Nothing is the best.
Life fucking sucks…sometimes. My head hurts and King of the Hill just went off. I’m hungry as hell and I just found out I have a test due by 11:59 pm. The internet just stopped working and I’m waiting on my ride. He’s still not here and he lives maybe 10 minutes away what an asswhole. I need to take this fucking test I have no way to do it. I can’t drive and I don’t have a car. It smells like syrup and I’m so angry. I need to calm down. It’s so wet outside. Rain please go away. Trying to get it all out before. Well before I fucking burst. Before I fucking snap about to fucking snap.
So maybe life doesn’t fucking suck. Maybe suck fucking life. That makes no sense or maybe it makes perfect sense. You be the judge. Life comes together in the end. Will this end? Who fucking care? I care. What to do? Who knows? So important to make the right decisions. It smells like sushi . So small so innocent, he looks just like mi hermana. Fuck. I have to pee, hope there is no rat in the toilet. Burning sensation in my nostrils..nose..gosh, I fucking hate that. Now im my throat. I have to stop cursing. It’s so bad for you. Am I hungry? If I have to ask I guess not. Need to get this ass in shape. Test. Fuck due by 12 or did I say 11:59 whatever. I know nothing. Cat shoots girl, and a rabbit drags cow. So funny, life is so funny. People change so much.
Isaiah was 6 pounds 1oz 19 ½ inches. Damn that’s long! So adorable I want to cry for the pain she have went through. So tired of the lack of communication between online interactions. Online classes suck! When I really sit down and think about all the things I’ve done wrong in my life I think, Man I’ve fucked up. If life were that simple and you only just fucked up. No fucking up is only half of the problem…now you have to live with all the fuck ups for the rest of your life. When will I stop fucking up? Do you know? Because if you do please let me know.
Need to go to work but homework is more important. Bills…collectors they will call anonymously. Why keep calling you’ll get getting the same answer. I’m broke muthafuckers…What should I do I don’t know I know I don’t want to fuck up my life anymore. One decision can affect your life so much. Your life can be affected by one lousy mistake. So many mistakes! Being older is bullshit. You start to think too much. I rather be young, not true. I am young but not that young. Gullible is not cute. That’s why my life is so messed up now because of the mistakes I made at 22,21,20,19,18,17,16…Definitely at 16. Should have said no to you bigheaded jackass. But I said yes at 16 I said yes and my life forever changed. I would like to apply for a credit card but without any money. Hmm, debt here I come. 22 still learning . 23 learned enough for now ready to start makings some NON-mistakes. Not a word. My hand hurts, I’m hungry and of course I still have to work. Can you believe it? I can tell it’s going to rain soon, maybe storm. What the fuck is all the noises. Just stop fixing shit please. I so need my hair down. Nephew so innocent but still no idea how he really looks in person. I can’t wait to actually go see my little one..not really mines but as good as it’s going to get right now. Enough for now back to reality.

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