Friday, June 5, 2009

burning anthill eye.

Word Count: 637

I wake, I think, and my eyes struggle to open.
Feels like you’re in a dream, the outside of your vision is fuzzy and blurry…
Except this is no dream, I really am trying to open my eyes.
I eventually pry them open with my fingers.
Waking up should never be this difficult, ever.
No matter how tired I am, my eyes should always open with ease.
Maybe there’s something the world does not want me to see.
My vision is still not clear, and I know it’s not from the absence of my contact lenses.
I want to see, I always took it for granted: my vision.
My eyes are finally open, but I do not see.
The daylight seeping through the windows peeks at me.
My eyes’ instinct is to quickly shut.
The forceful light of the morning is too much for my tired eyes.
I try again to open my eyes, this time more blurry than before.
I can feel a sensation of stinging inside and out of my eyeballs.
I drag my lifeless, partially blind self out of bed and to the mirror.
I can’t see clearly but I can see one thing for sure:

Recipe for Disaster:
- 1 Handful of matches
- 1 can of kerosene
- 1 ant hill
- 1 clumsy idiot
Start by pouring the entire can of kerosene all over the ant hill. In order to get the desired effect, be sure that you do not leave any dry spots. Next, grab your handful of matches and light all of them. Then, carefully throw the lit matches onto the kerosene-covered ant hill. If performed properly and in correct order, your ant hill should explode in flames and your ant problem will be solved. However if you chose to include the last ingredient, your hands and arms will be covered in kerosene as well, and when you lit your matches, your arm would catch fire. This would cause a chain reaction of you tossing the lit matches into the air, your hair catching fire, your dog catching fire, and then an army of angry ants attacking your entire body.

I guess next time you should just pick up a can of ant spray and maybe some OFF while you’re at it..

Got that iPhone wart problem?
Let me explain. Say somebody has a wart on their cheek, or on the side of their face. A device like the iPhone operates on a touch screen, including the controls to receive and end a phone call. Well if you have a wart in just the right (well, right?) spot, it has potential to press up against the “end call” button. Your phone call will end, and you will find yourself yelling to the person who was once on the phone, accusing them of not paying enough attention. You’ll probably check your phone to see if you’re even still connected, and you will come to realize that your wart ended the call for you. The wart decided that your phone call was over, not you.

Fires are interesting. You have your wildfires, fires blazing endlessly, so it seems. These fires have outstayed their welcome, like your friendly uncle who means well but ends up embarrassing you in front of the rest of your family. That uncle. Wildfires are like that uncle. Some are started on purpose to burn leaves and brush. But sometimes they get out of control and don’t do what you want: which is burn down communities. I think people should be flame-retardant. Our skin shouldn’t be flammable or burnable. Why are these monster fires so impossible to put out? But a small candle flame is so easy? I thought size doesn’t matter? So you can’t tell me that a candle is easily put out because it’s small.

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